Free first chapter
Warning:
much profanity, sexual situations are implied but not graphic, drug
use and drunkorexia
Dedication
For
Rachael God rest you
And
for all of the sick and suffering inside and outside of these rooms.
,
Diaries
of the Cheshire Girls
If
you're looking for a happy, light-hearted story then get out while
you can. If romantic comedy's your thing or say flowery, poetic
garbage like that, just go back to that epic misconception of how the
real world works and leave me alone. If you like trite inspirational
and meaningless stuff like that don't read any further. If angry is
your thing then you've come to the right place. The thing you need to
know right now is that this story... my story... the story of Chelsea
O'Hara starts in death.
If
all you envision in your tiny, little life is entrance to the Gates
of Heaven, then I'd suggest you run like hell. My life, my inner ME,
my gentle disposition was spawned in a gutter and I will not be
moved. So if you're one of those do-gooder's that's lookin' to save a
soul then let me save you a little time. In my world Wonderland comes
in the form of a drug-induced coma. I'll never reach the light....
but then I'm not looking to. Just a nicer gutter and a better fix. If
that's not available... a crappier gutter and a mediocre fix'll do.
Whatever it takes right?
Because
just like all of you mamby-pamby wanna-bes out there, I'd do anything
for my God. The difference is my God is real. You can touch my God...
you can snort him, smoke him, swallow him, inhale him, inject him or
drink him.... whatever you're into really. It takes all kinds right?
In my church we never turn anyone away... but like any temple the
problems start with the money-changers. Isn't it always the way?
And
suddenly I see...
All
of these people are swarming around me. I don't know them. I'm not
certain what's going on but I can't feel my legs which tickles in a
way. My arm hurts real bad. They are trying to put an oxygen mask on
me but I am fighting them tooth and nail. They wanna take away my
high. They wanna take away my low. They wanna take away my numb... my
perfect numb so screw them. I feel this unbearable buzz in the back
of my skull and I start to flail and writhe... some kind of seizure
maybe. Please give me more. Please give me heaven.... the heaven of
numb.
Flat
line.
The
Making of Alice
You
know I used to have another name. I mean I was born with the name
Alisha but it never fit. Maybe it's just me who never fit. I dunno.
In all honesty I don't care. I guess when I was little it fit because
what else do you really know when you're five? It sounded like a
princess name to me then... a pretty princess all thin and gorgeous
in her satin gown... like something out of a fairytale maybe.
I
would really love to give this story true credibility like that. I
would like to start with “Once upon a time,” and end with
“Happily ever after.” I totally would... except I don't guess the
world really works that way. When I was little I would just close my
eyes and become the fairy princess on the balcony of that imaginary
tower. I used to think that way... you know like I could slay the
dragons? Sadly the world taught me different.
When
the dragons came for me I wasn't even 10. Those dragons are real
bastards too. They crawl in your bed at night instead of staying
under the bed where they belong. They whisper in your ear, “I can
get to you anywhere, any time. So it's a secret and if you tell...
I'll kill your Mom.” I hate dragons. They are just too big for me
to ever stand up and become a fairy princess, y'know?
It's
a long time ago... the time when I knew Alisha...
before all the dragons and the pirate raids stole away the buried
treasure of who she was. Doesn't matter because now I just call
myself Alice. I'm pretty sure that that's who the world wants me to
be. I mean I watch all those liquor commercials and I know they are
really saying, “Drink me.” Or those ads with the smiling parents
and the birthday cake that's on special at the grocery this week...
“Eat me.” that cake can basically eat me... if you get my
meaning.
In
this world if you want those demons, dragons, pirates or whatever to
back off... you basically keep your head down and obey. There's
really only one way to fit in anymore.... only one way to blend into
a crowd long enough so that whatever monster that's happening by
won't notice you. That's my secret to success, obey those laws...
talk like everyone else, dress like everyone else and stay thin like
everyone else. If you seem to have a mind of your own or think
outside of the box in any way you'll stick out. Who wants that
really? Who wants to be left open to ridicule? Judgment? Abuse? This
is one princess who's staying hidden! Believe it!
So
any way even a fairy wanna be needs friends right? There's strength
in numbers and I've got no army if the dragons come back. My family
moved around a lot and so that lonely space I guess got bigger and
bigger. That void where Alisha
used to be became a vast wasteland by the time I got to college. I
needed to fill that canyon with something else because anorexia
wasn't cutting it.
Yes,
that's right I have an eating disorder. My idiot mother used to send
me away to what she called, “Nutrition clinics” and what the rest
of us, who are based in reality call institutions. I always knew how
to play their game because I always knew what the shrinks wanted to
hear. It used to piss me off though because those places feed you
insanely and then you have to drop the weight all over again.
It
was just the beginning of my sophomore year I guess when I finally
met Chelsea. She was one of those girls who just pleases the whole
crowd... a perfect hostess for the slightly bent you might say. She
inspired me... even showed me ways of dropping the weight. I still
wonder what happened to her. What happened to my best friend?
***
Some
nurse type is yelling, “Code Blue” and I hear my mother
screaming, “Chelsea don't you leave!” I wonder where my real
family is. Not my relatives, but my family. Like say Alice. I
remember Alice... it's a long time ago. Or was it earlier today?
“Why
did you buy those tampons?' I ask her annoyed. I am pissed because
all that's left in my pipe is a small bud of weed and it isn't nearly
enough to keep me going through the day. I'm down on my luck now
because I stole from Rudy and he won't let me come in and snort coke
with him anymore. Alice is my only hope for a weekend of Numb. I know
she'll lend me some money if I just teach her this trick.
Alice
just looks at me her pretty, blue eyes scrunched up in confusion and
asks, “What's wrong with em? You said I needed tampons. Those are
the most expensive kind.”
“Dude,”
I snap, “I never have money so I would never use those. I would use
the cheap ones. If you dip those in Vodka they'll just explode.”
“Well
don't they all explode? I mean they are tampons. Any way to get
enough Vodka in to get drunk, I'd have to use enough to disintegrate
it. I don't think this is gonna work,” she moans.
“It'll
work. I said it'd work didn't I? Have I ever led you wrong?” I
snap. She doubts my power and I hate that. She calls herself a lost
fairy princess and she calls me the High Priestess of Numb. I like
that name... don't remember how stoned we were when she gave it to
me... but it shows my power and I love that.
“I'm
sorry. I just can't understand how this works,” she whines at me. I
feel crappy for making her get back in line. It is for her own good.
If you wanna drop the weight fast, concessions have to be made. Sadly
I ask, “How long's it been since you've eaten?”
“Couple
days,” she replies. I snort my dissatisfaction at her utter
stupidity and reply, “Then it ain't gonna take much to get you
drunk is it? You're half way there already. Don't forget to write the
calories down in your food diary.”
“Thanks
for reminding me,” she smiles. I know she'll hook me up. I'm half
way to Wonderland already!
No comments:
Post a Comment