Kids book I'm working on

Possible Plans for Emma Idiot

I'm really not certain how next Saturday's signing will go, but if I sell everything, we'll start again. If not there are a few stores that will take consignments. I'm just not certain, they'll take something so … um.... Adult. I really want to get these into college bookstores. I think that is the age most likely to read an adult comedy. I could be wrong there, but I'm not certain.




I am scheduled another interview... and there is a surprise coming for everyone regarding the book. NO it isn't a sequel. I don't enjoy writing sequels at all.




But hang out and in a week or so I'm going to have something super kool for you guys!!






PS We never did find out what all those cop cars were about? Eerie!

Don't forget!!!

 Also the Nook button should be up today!

Officer down maybe?

We were going to the art store today. There was catty-corner to our house what I thought was an EMS, but it wasn't. We turned the corner LIKE 9 sheriff vans, cops everywhere guns drawn... no idea still what was going on.

Here's how smart I am... all I can think is "Please let my dog be okay" duh

Any ways prayers going out to all involved. Anybody finds out what's up, gimmee a shout

Nook

We are available on Barnes and Noble for Nook.

Updates for Apocalypse

24 Symbols - Submitted to Distributor on Feb. 23, 2016, 11:50 p.m.

Apple - Submitted to Distributor on Feb. 24, 2016, 12:05 a.m.

Barnes & Noble - Submitted to Distributor on Feb. 23, 2016, 11:45 p.m.

Kobo - Submitted to Distributor on Feb. 23, 2016, 11:22 p.m.

Page Foundry - Submitted to Distributor on Feb. 23, 2016, 11:20 p.m.

Scribd - Published on Feb. 24, 2016, 12:35 a.m.

Tolino - Published on Feb. 24, 2016, 12:35 a.m

Teen Comedy first chapter FREE (PG)

Real Live

Dead Things

By Emma Idiot

© 2015 Cheshire Grin Publishing All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without the expess written consent of this publisher.

Chapter 1

Mortimer had always been the kind of teen who grabbed life by the horns. “Carpe diem” had always been his own personal motto. (Not because it meant “Seize the day,” but because guys who could talk in other languages seemed to turn girls on.) He lived every moment as if it were his last… so, it was a great shock to him when one day… he woke up dead.

“I can’t be dead,” he snapped at the airy figure beside him.

“You are,” she stated flatly.

“Well I just can’t. How do you just be alive and breathing one minute and dead the next?” he snapped.

“That’s usually the way it happens,” the ghost girl sighed. “But in your case there was an exception made.”

“What do you mean?” Mortimer grumbled.

“You were breathing fine until you got hit by the train,” she said.

“But why would that happen? I loved life.”

“Yes,” said the figure, “but you also loved getting drunk and playing chicken with trains.”

“That was just a bad habit,” Mortimer winced.

“Yeah, most bad habits kill,” the girl said, now coming into focus.

“So, is this heaven?” Mortimer asked looking around.

“Does this even look remotely like heaven?” the girl asked smoothing down her now-white hair against slight shoulders, and Mortimer offered, “For a ghost, you’re a hottie.”

“Keep your mind on where you are!” the girl snapped. “Does this even look remotely like heaven?”

Mortimer looked around. Packing crates filled the corners. Cobwebs hung from a tin overhead lamp with only one of its two light bulbs working. It sent shadows perpendicularly across the walls and floor making everything look a little too rectangular. Boxes marked Café Cola lined one wall. At a table filled with expired milk cartons, a fat, greasy man sat changing expiration dates.

“No, but then I’ve never been to heaven. It could look however it wants to,” Mortimer reasoned.

“It’s not heaven, you troll,” the girl remarked.

“Y’know, heaven looks a lot like the backroom of Ed’s General Store and Gas Station,” Mortimer gasped.

“That’s because this is the backroom of Ed’s Store,” the girl snapped. Mortimer looked to the fat, balding man sitting behind the table. He used his plump leg to keep the rickety thing from tipping the expired milk onto the dusty floor.

“Wow! God looks a lot like Ed!” Mortimer squawked.

“I hate this job…” the girl began.

“Oh, holiest God,” Mortimer said bowing.

“That’s not God…” the girl snapped.

“Oh, Lord over all creation…” Mortimer chanted.

“That IS NOT God!” the girl’s voice boomed, and at the pitch of it the glass that the man had been drinking Café Cola from burst into shards sending the sticky drink down the front of Ed’s black trousers. The man jumped to his feet sending a string of curses across the storeroom.

“God curses?” Mortimer asked as he watched Ed wiping shards of glass and soda from his pants.

“No. Don’t make me scream at you, moron. Glass shatters if we raise our voices,” the girl explained.

“God looks like He peed Himself now,” Mortimer said, “Hey, how comes God looks like Ed?”

“That is ED!” the girl tried again.

“Oh, holy Ed, Lord over Café Cola and gas pumps,” Mortimer chanted.

“You idiot! ED IS NOT GOD!” the girl screamed, and the last light bulb in the storeroom burst, leaving them in the dark.

“Gee, heaven sure is a lot darker than I thought,” Mortimer said.

N

“Try to get your pea-sized brain around this idea," the ghost girl, who had introduced herself as Eva, said very slowly.

“Okay,” Mortimer replied just as slowly.

“You’re dead.”

“I’m dead,” he repeated.

“Now, you have a job to do before you can move on,” Eva said, rolling the words out just as slowly.

“A job to do before I move on…” Mortimer repeated.

“You must change someone’s life for the better,” Eva’s voice dragged over every syllable.

“Someone’s life for the better,” Mortimer repeated and added, “And then the holy Ed will let me move on?”

Eva began to stomp her feet and pull at the white out-line of hair that adorned her head.

“You act weird,” Mortimer pointed out. “You’re pretty temperamental for an angel!”

“I’m not an angel. I’m your guide. I’m a ghost just like you, and if we don’t change someone or something for the better, I’m doomed to spend eternity with you,” Eva snarled, her voice breaking.

“So, we’re together forever?” Mortimer asked.

“It looks that way, from where I sit,” Eva answered, seemingly about to cry.

“Hey,” Mortimer yelped, “Eternity with a hottie. Things are looking up!” He tried to slide his arm around her waist but quickly pulled his arm away.

“OUCH!” he shouted, and the little storeroom window cracked.

“Burns, huh?” Eva asked, almost laughing.

“Yeah, burns like…” Mortimer began to curse but nothing came out.

“We can’t touch each other, curse, smoke, drink or eat,” Eva announced.

“But those are my favorite things,” Mortimer whined. “An eternity without all that? I wish I was dead!”

“You are,” Eva answered.

“Right. So, what now?” Mortimer asked.

“We find someone to change,” Eva answered

“How about Ed? He’s been cheating his customer’s for years.”

“Leave the holy Ed alone,” Mortimer snapped. “He’s a good guy. He pays me time and a half for Sundays.”

“He sells rotten milk and groceries,” Eva pointed out. “People get sick.”

“No, they just make a lot of returns. Except that weird guy with the pet llama. I think he secretly likes spoiled milk.”

“Well, it’s still wrong. You would be doing the community a service if you made Ed honest,” Eva pointed out.

“If I can’t touch him, how can I do that?” Mortimer asked.

“Write it down,” Eva said.

“I thought we couldn’t touch anything,” Mortimer snapped.

“We can’t touch each other. You can touch other stuff. Take that permanent marker over there… you can touch that.”

Mortimer floated over to the desk where the date stamper lay by the milk cartons. The holy Ed now stood on the rickety table trying to change the light bulbs. Mortimer picked up the magic marker.

“Wait until the light is on,” Eva advised. “He can’t see anything, yet.”

“Right,” Mortimer floated to the other side of the room and waited by the wall. When the lights flashed on, the holy Ed went back to stamping the milk cartons. He took no notice of the missing pen.

“Get his attention!” Mortimer urged Eva. The girl looked around and picked up a banged up can of lima beans. She tossed it in Mortimer’s direction and it landed with a crash near the wall.

“Blasted rats!” the holy Ed snapped, as he looked at the can rolling across the floor. The fat man’s mouth dropped open, however, as he watched a marker floating uncapped in mid-air. The thing moved to the wall and began writing in bold, black letters, “REPENT YOUR SINS AGAINST MILK KIND!”

“Milk? Milk is holy?” the holy Ed asked the blank air. He fell to his knees and began to worship the milk cartons before him.

“Oh, great spirit of the milk, forgive me my sins. I shall make as an offering a golden milk carton for all to come and worship you!” and then the holy Ed ran out of the back door.

“Great!” Eva snarled, “We turned him into a pagan!”

N

Interview!!! Pretty kool!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbBFItBtFUA

Another Signing

Another book signing?

Just waiting on confirmation. Stay tuned!

Excerpt, CAUTION Adult content rated R

Scene from Apocalypse Eventually; A Comedy of Biblical Distortions.... 

“Hey, man....” Adam said slowly. “Do ya... think that like.... the Leviathan, was like Jesus's puppy? Yeah, man and then... like... one day He just yells out... Dad! The dog's chewin'... on the Jews again?” Adam asked with such shit-faced sincerity that Eve began making circles in the air with her finger just to screw with him.

“Whoa! Whatya ... doin'?” he mumbled, awestruck.

“I'm weaving a spider web in your ear. Can you feel it?” Eve retorted.

“WHOA! Stop, man! Stop!” but Eve just wiggled her finger more. “I'm not touching you!” she teased. She was quite bored here. There was a perfect environmental balance that was miraculously kept in the garden. As such, there was very little entertainment other than popping out babies and picking cactus spines out of her husband's dong. As a result, she normally spent her days toying with her spouse's head, as he was usually drunk on forbidden fruit and reminding her how much he preferred Lilith's company.

Before she could really blow his mind, a faint glow appeared before them.

“Oh, fucking lovely,” she grumbled once she was certain it was not one of the unicorns calling its young.

“Whoa, whoa what's... what's it,” stammered Adam.

“Eternal damnation. Aren't you glad you’re blitzed?” she said and added, “You ate the last fuckin' brownie didn't you? Asshole!”

“LIKE BEHOLD AND TOTALLY HARKEN!” the voice coming from within the light boomed.

“What?” Eve and Adam exclaimed in unison.

Before them stood an angel they'd never seen before. An angel.... with an obvious lack of education or taste. The latter was evidenced by the fact that his holy white robes had been replaced by a Hawaiian-patterned toga. He wore the thing short-sleeve, which revealed about thirty tattoos of skulls and assorted wild cats. His nose was pierced. He was wearing earrings, but they didn't match. Eve decided had it not been for the receding hairline, his hair would be down to his waist.

“Who the hell are you? Where's Gideon?” Eve snapped. She was having serious doubts about this holy messenger casting her into the pit. He looked like the creepy old guy in the back of the club that will try anything to hold onto his glory days. Why should he have any power over her soul when he obviously didn't know how to dress himself?

“Like whoa, man. Like Gideon had a gig in a jazz club, but he wouldn't have come anyways. He was transferred to legal, like two centuries ago! I'm his replacement, Star Child,” the glowing idiot said.

“Oh, a family name? Somehow you don't strike me as particularly holy! You're barely even glowing!” Eve snapped. Adam fell on his face out of respect, and then let out a light snore.

“Oh yeah, we only use the energy efficient bulbs now. Desperate times man, desperate measures. Yeah stellar, man! Check it out, I got lucky with this gig! I got hired after they passed the Paper Reduction Act. Most of the Holys then didn't know jack about Java!” he yelped.

“You don't say,” Eve grumbled, as she stepped side ways to kick and rouse her idiot... or spouse... or vegetation humper... or whatever.

“Straight up! Look, I gotta be super-quick. I got another gig after this one,” quipped Star Child.

“Oh... let me guess? You have to condemn us really quick because you're late for your job as a cheesy lounge singer at the Recently Widowed Convention?” Eve gasped. She was really getting irritated with this middle-aged jackass.

“Oh, no, man. Nothin' like that, dude. The Big Guy really got chillaxed after His kid was born. Totally forgave everybody. Too cool man. Now people only have to pay dues on serious shit! Like... letting Lilith outta the garden.”

“What?” Eve remembered the hairpin. “That hairy bitch!”

Adam now standing, or a better word might be wobbling, piped up, “Whoa... cool ink. I bet you get a lot of cactus, huh?”

“What?” Star Child asked.

“Never mind him. If we get her back are we excused?” Eve asked.

“Abso-freakin-lutely. Only one serious downer, out there... she can look like anyone. So um... here's the key. Lock her up tight,” said Star-Child.

“Wait!” Eve barked and pushed her husband over with her pinkie finger. “If she looks like anyone, how will we know it's her?”

“Well, she'll still smell the same. Like, y'know, she can appear to look like a human, but she still has to behave like a monkey, right?” Star Child pointed out.

“So, what are we supposed to do? Just walk around sniffing people?” Eve yelped.

“I can totally do that man,” Adam moaned.

“WAIT! If He forgave everyone, why does time have to end?” Eve asked.

“Man's lost it. Too many politicians and not enough philosophers. Man's got too much time on his hands, yet he fills it with crap. People got time for reality shows but not for creating a better reality. You try finding good in the world, dude. I been here over a decade... I ain't seen none.”

“Well, what difference does any of that make if we're all forgiven?” Eve asked.

“Ah, dude, you got it wrong. He still loves man. But man loving Him? They forgot how. It's a gentle wake-up call.”

“Fire and brimstone is gentle?” Eve asked astonished.

“Ahhhh, right on! The Big Guy loves His special effects! He's always messing with Sony Vega,” Star Child said.

“Well, wait... at least give us a hint...” Eve began.

“Snap! I'd like to help you two dudes, but I'm late now. Bill Gates is dying, and I gotta take him to hell for Windows 10!” Star Child remarked, and the glow disintegrated.***

http://www.lulu.com/shop/emma-idiot/apocalypse-eventually/paperback/product-22563496.html

ATTN

The link on the site for Real Live Dead Things is broken because we revised it. The new version is available at

http://www.lulu.com/shop/emma-idiot/real-live-dead-things/paperback/product-22556716.html

Rest in Peace

http://www.trivalleycentral.com/obituaries/dorothy-lloyd/article_6f5cec10-b3c4-11e5-b8e8-b72755f8b225.html#.VsO6vNqST3M.gmail