ACOA
Adult
Children of Alcoholics
To
be an adult child you do not need an alcoholic parent, this is a
misnomer. You need only an alcoholic family system. Well hey Angel
what does that mean? Briefly it means that somewhere in your family
there was an alcoholic or addict who created a dysfunctional or even
sometimes abusive boundary system or method of raising
children. When a child is raised in abuse, they sometimes carry that
onto their own children and so it passes throughout the generations.
There
are others still who have been raised in a healthy family system, but
suffered some truly horrible abuse such as sexual abuse from an
outside source. Many times this will rob people of the tools they
need to create a safe living-space for their children and or loved
ones.
The
trick is to break the chain so that these horrible things do not
befall you or your children. Now that is easier said then done, isn't
it? In truth you can't keep a stranger from grabbing your child and
so we as parents worry. However, if the dysfunctional behavior is
your own.... Aye there's the rub.
Change
is very hard because it means changing a mindset. It means too much
work, too much guilt, too much thought / talk about unpleasant
sometimes soul-wrenching events. Doesn't it? Nobody wants to work
that hard. But ask yourself this, “Do I want my children talking
about me the way I talk about my abusers?”
In
an ACOA group you can help yourself to work on these problems with
others that grew-up in the same thing. There is a link on my website:
If
this does not work for you you can try the usual, pastor,
psychotherapy... whatever your doctor recommends.
Perhaps
you are saying to yourself, “Self, my family was dysfunctional but
not nearly as bad as all that. What can I do to help my kids?” Well
did you ever report to your parent some really nasty remarks made by
a family member only to hear, “Oh that's just the way she is.”
How did that make you feel? As if maybe your pain was not important
enough to matter? As if maybe your boundaries shouldn't exist at all?
As if perchance the adult that reassured you that it was all so fine
and normal was actually allowing the abuse to continue? There's a
reason you felt that way.... that is called enabling. (See CoDa link)
If
you answered, “yes” to the above and you don't want to continue
that cycle with your loved ones then my advice is to seek the help of
a spiritual adviser, organization, or doctor. Remember my fine
feathered friends a Native proverb that will always ring true, “We
do not inherit this world from our ancestors... we borrow it from our
children.”
That's
my side of it,
Angel
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