Funeral For Ms. Woods

Virda's funeral was today. She was the first person in Texas to be truly nice to me and I was blessed to know her. Virda worked in the Dunworth household for about 60 years and nothing ever slowed her down.




In that time, her house burned down, her husband and grandson preceded her to heaven. Yet even in the midst of sorrow she held her head high and was truly an inspiration to us all!




Virda worked every day until she was 92 years old. She left us at 94... really let that sink in. How much did she see and inspire in her day? If nothing else she inspired me to keep trying. She was a true friend, and for that I am truly grateful.




That's my side of it,

Angel

www.streetlighthalo.com



www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFqFPsu0WcY&feature=youtu.be

New kid's show! Episode 2... White Rabbit reads a story by Lewis Carroll... also many other stories will be on in the future.

Guess what I got for Christmas? A wedding ring, finally! GORGEOUS!

We will

have another kids show out before New Years. I'll post the link here. However I'll be making them as I can, not on a schedule. There are still more books to be released that will need my attention. Also, with the recent deaths there's a lot to deal with. So stay tuned! (Also I feel another novel coming on... hmm!)

That's my side of it,
Angel
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com
www.thisneedstobesaid.com

Letter from the Editor

“I shout into the void in hopes that someone can hear me, and when I realize they can’t, I write.”

I have been writing since I was very young and have progressively become more and more tuned to my muses within. I write everything from fantasy to historical fiction to thrillers, and am currently working on a romance novel.

English is not my first language, but it is my favorite. I strive for utter perfection, and after years of creative writing classes, I have come to the conclusion that words are flawless, even if you put them together the wrong way. This realization led me to be an editor, to work with the writers out there in the world saying the things I never could, so that their words could flow from them without concern. I am the defender of their words, the one who protects and nurtures them, until they are raised up into that idea of perfection that first inspired me.

I have stories of my own to share, words of my own to be read, but those, too, I will defend.

“I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Our new show!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bSAT6W1GZkhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bSAT6W1GZk

Think I got the malware out now! Merry Christmas!

Virus

or something. See the blog at our Cheshire Grin Publishing FB page until we get this straightened out.

Catch our kids show though:

hhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzt6IgBEW_Ittps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzt6IgBEW_I

NEW Book

http://www.lulu.com/shop/ms-angel/here-be-dragons/paperback/product-21962077.htmlhttp://www.lulu.com/shop/ms-angel/here-be-dragons/paperback/product-21962077.html

And a kid's you-tube show will be joining it in 2015!

New Editor

starting after Christmas. And many other surprises in 2015!

This will make you cry

http://www.sun-gazing.com/thought-provoking-campaign-represents-people-disabilities/#MHkjLsf9oIFuUT1F.01

We are going soon to buy an artificial Christmas tree that lights up by itself. I want the huge and bushy one that looks like a real tree. You know the kind.... the one you take a good four hours to assemble and then ask your family, “Dude do you think these screws were important?” You know the kind that you stuff back in the too tiny box and then stand around and debate what to do with the other 500 branches that won't fit. You know... the kind with all the instructions written in German. You know that kind? That's what I want!

I want traditional ornaments too! Comprende? Those hugely expensive and over priced ornaments and decorations that you spend another four hours of your life getting on there just right... and then the dog knocks the whole #$%^ thing over? Yes! A tree all decorated in shiny glassy ornament that you deliberately choose in Hanukkah colors simply to confuse your guests! I want that!!!!

I want a traditional Christmas... you know the kind? The kind where you have enough lights in your yard to make a runway for a lear jet? The kind where you buy Christmas lights for the roof and then realize you have to go back to the #@$% Walmart to buy a ladder? You know the kind of Christmas when you go to put up the lights and after 20 attempts and 5 spills off the wobbly Walmart ladder you realize the outside outlet didn't work? The kind where by July your lights are still up because hey... Christmas will get back here eventually! That's the kind of Christmas I want.

Plus I want about a zillion gifts for the grandbaby. You understand me? I want to fist fight other people for toys that he will out grow in 2 months. You see? Those kinds of presents... the kind you sit up all night trying to assemble only to find that it needs batteries and has a million stickers that still need to be put on? Yeah man tradition! There's nothing in the world that compares to the work you put in and the money you spend just to see the grandkids playing with the boxes! I NEED that!

I want that gorgeous feeling on Christmas morn when my kid opens her 58 presents and then utters the 3 words that change every mother's life. Those three sacred words... “Is that ALL?”

I want to wade for days through bags of discarded wrapping paper. And wonder why it ever occurred to Nanna to crochet me an orange and baby puke green bikini. I want to cook and bake for weeks on end only to have my relatives criticize every last homemade cookie and candy! I want that so much!

I also want every detail because I want a train under my tree for the kids. I want that certain one. I want that highly over-priced, last one in stock have to put it on lay-away or sell the kid in order to afford it. You know the one I'm talking about? I want the one that takes almost 3 hours to assemble. There is not one moment like the Chiristmasy moment when you find out it only runs backwards! That's a real Christmas.

And the very best part? When at the end of the night you sit quiet, engorged and you look at that tree. And you think about when you had nothing. When you were practically homeless and just starting a family together. When you lived in the slums and your first Christmas tree together looked more like a deformed version of the burning bush with very few decorations. And you remember the dollar store slices of ham that had to serve as the Christmas feast. You remember those dollar store presents that you could barely afford and how very much they meant... especially when he looked at you softly and said, “Everything's perfect.” When you finally remember that you went through all of this to celebrate the story of the struggle, and keep that fire alive in your heart because God how you love this little family. And then you softly say, “Happy Birthday God.” I really, REALLY want that!

That's my side of it,
Angel
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.thisneedstobesaid.com

Oh Christmas Blog, Oh Christmas Blog

Things I don't get:

1. If Jesus was Jewish then why do we serve ham on Easter and Christmas?

2. If you send someone many happy returns, do you owe postage?

3. If your muffin top gets too big during the holiday feast is it then considered a loaf of bread?

4. When people say Merry X-mas are they promoting algebra or bad spelling?

5. Doesn't global warming sort of make snowmen endangered?

6. How do they get the Christmas Wreaths to grow in a circle like that?

7. Was Rudolf secretly part of a covert government experiment?

8. If this blog got too much holiday cheer would it become an egg blog?

9. If I gave the Ghost of Christmas past a Christmas present would it create a paradox?

10. If cake is awesome and fruit is nummy why when we mix them do we get something that tastes that bad?

That's my side of it,

Merry Christmas

www.streetlighthalo.com

www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

www.thisneedstobesaid.com

Facebook

has locked me out again. I refuse to send them my bills and ID, because they aren't the govt. They are only a social. To follow my blog go to
www.streetlighthalo.com
and click on blog

Another Cancelation

We were planning a big unveil for the Schnoozles book complete with a reading at Broadway. I was really hyped up. Sadly with 2 deaths and 2 estates to be sorted, add to that just plain sadness... maybe next Christmas okay?

Look on the bright side. In 2015 we are unveiling a home-school textbook and that actually we might create something amazing for. Sarah has sort of gone down another road and it's all up to me now. I am happy for her and more than over-whelmed. I will figure this all out guys... but it's going to take so much time and effort, which I am very short of with all that's going on. So be patient, we'll all get there... together.

Stay tuned, my witty Christmas post is on the way when I can find it.

That's my side of it,
Angel.
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.thisneedstobesaid.com

Another Death

My Daddy Jim passed this morning. He'll be having Christmas with his mom, his son Jimmy. Lorena, Pappaw, Randy, Daddy D and Jesus. Who throws a better party than that? 
We'd like to thank everyone for their prayers during this difficult time. God Bless!

I think that's adorable

https://www.facebook.com/ArchiDesiign/photos/a.249883585166904.1073741828.249880261833903/420552024766725/?type=1&theaterhttps://www.facebook.com/ArchiDesiign/photos/a.249883585166904.1073741828.249880261833903/420552024766725/?type=1&theater

Gone for the weekend

Tyler's coming! I have art projects and cookiebaking stuff!!! OH BOY!

Take Heed Brethern!

Meet Tinder!

Good News and Bad

Okay so the bad news is that my biological father is dying. Can't even talk about that because it hurts.

My father-in-law has passed also, God rest him. Christmas looks very grim at the moment.

HOWEVER I do have good news... 10 years ago I sucessfully kicked cancer's ass... no reoccurance! The doc just called actually. On that note... ladies PLEASE always get those terribly uncomfortable exams. Once cancer shows on us it is normally too late. Beleive me when I say failure to be regularly tested can kill.

My friend Ms. Bonnie was the sunshine of my life. She caught a cold before she went back to the 911 funeral. When she returned one week later her cold was so bad she couldn't breathe and an ambulance was called. She died a week later from ovarian cancer. I was utterly destroyed.

My own experience was that I had an undiagnosed illness so chronic I spent 2 years in bed. Docs couldn't find anything, put me on anti-depresants. One day Vicki said, "You haven't had a pap in three years, so before you come back for your next appt, you will have one,"

They found what they called, "pre-cancerous lesions." So I decided on a hysterectomy as it runs in my family. I was terrified of surgery and asked the nurse scheduling if I could have 2 weeks before surgey to psyche myself up. She said, "I don't know what they told you. You don't have one week left!" So 2 days later I was in surgery.

I got my form of cancer from a virus known as HPV, when I was younger I was raped and recieved the lovely door prize of cancer, I was called, "unclean." A rumour started that I never bathed in that area... a second punishment. My consolation? The fucker that did it probably died and ergo is no longer stalking women in Hialeah.

That having been said, kids, DO NOT EVER assume that unprotected sex won't kill you! Be safe not sorry. Also get tested regulaurly. In addition if you keep up with current events... there IS a vaccine for HPV. Get it. Don't go through suffering that you can prevent! Call your GYN today!

That's my side of it,
Angel

PS. I know it's not appropo to be such an open book. Thing is I've never heard of an unread book saving lives either.

I made this too

Funny thing about giving thanks

We all count our blessings (or pretend to) at least once a year... and the next day I am angry. Why? Because people post the most ignorant things.

 "Oh my turkey was dry!" or "That damn mother-in-law.". But when the table is one seat open, because she's died next year will you regret that post?

How about when the plant closes and you have no money for food? Will the turkey taste better in remembering?

On my Thanksgiving, I realized at 4 in the morning that I had forgotten my meds. As a result my darling, love of a husband had to drive me all the way home (1 hour) and drive himself back. I spent Thanksgiving  between the bed and the bathroom and my dinner was a doughnut. So... did I have a crappy Thanksgiving? NO! Because, despite the quality I had one. Many people didn't.

We have troops, that might never see another Thanksgiving. We have homeless freezing to death in the streets, who won't reach Christmas. We have loved ones who will or have passed. That is why when I say thanks, I give thanks for what I don't have. Like so: (and yes I do this daily)

I'm thankful that I don't have:
a terminal illness
to live in a crate
starvation
catatonia
physical abuse
financial abuse
sexual abuse
emotional abuse
a dying child
an ill loved one
a son who won't come home
to worry every day that my husband will get shot on the job
psychotic breaks
chronic mental illness
to live with people who hate me
an extreme case of cognitive disorder
a severe learning disability of any kind
plague
dysentery
developmental retardation in any form
dementia
a deteriorating job
drunkenness or being drugged
to live in a war zone
to have grown-up in a war zone
in adequate crops or absence of irrigation.

I could go on all day. Truth of the matter is that for some this is what they have everyday. Some of us will never have more. I think that people who are truly grateful pay forward what little they have. Someday that could be me. And so in short I am grateful for what I ain't got. I further pray that we all triumph... together!

That's my side of it,
Angel

www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com
www.thisneedstobesaid.com

New book?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdGbcM5fFqUhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdGbcM5fFqU

Sorry try that one! lol

Made this myself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWmsnmKNWVc

Happy Thanksgiving!

I made this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZ8JleStJuo&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZ8JleStJuo&feature=youtu.be

and many more! Dragons are coming!

I made this from paper. tape cardboard! Like?

New book!

Availabe at Lulu.... Schnoozles

Docs

Today I have a doctor appt. but I have another book coming out. So stay tuned!

new intern!!

Cheshire Grin would like to welcome

Charlene (Charli) Fountain
Artist since I could find anything to leave a mark on a blank canvas. I strive to become an Illustrator and inspire others to dream. We have our universe among the stars and your mind has its own universe that is exactly as vast and as infinite. I have characters I would like you to meet and they are hoping to tell you their story. My favorite style of art is indeed the art of Japanese comics also known as Manga. I began drawing this style when I was in middle school. I found The Cheshire company and almost as if it was meant to be I was very excited to be able to find and work for a publishing company. I hope to gain experience and heighten my skill as I continue to grow as an artist and as a person.

Mystery

We are open but on holidays hiatus while I learn how to take Cheshire Grin to the next level. The biggest surprises are yet to come... stay tuned!

basically

Tomorrow's my birthday. But (not in lue of the other announcement to come later) I am building a marrionette, a working dragon, with moving head, wings and so on out of paper... while doing this and fretting to my sis how the camera's broken and so I can't show her... she said, "Tell me how you built it," So I explained my design. After a long talk she has me seriously considering going back to school for robotics. Hmmmm... I'm not smart, but I can see how motion works in my head, always could.

So she's going to try to teach me algebra, so I can go back. We'll see.

That's my side of it,
Angel

So this week

I got my sobrietu chip and went to an incredible meeting.
Cheshire Grin is having a lot of $ problems and tech problems... if they can't be fixed I will have to close. When the CPA gets back to us I'll let you know.

Here's the thing. I've been spending much time in prayer and listening to motivational type things and a bunch of students and... this just might not be the path that God wants me to stay on. I'm not quite understanding what I need to do... but its coming. Will let you know when I do.

that's my side of it,
Angel
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

double dog dare

http://omeleto.com/199433/

you to watch that url... it's profound!

PS announcement coming soon!

in case you missed the shows

http://thisneedstobesaid.com/

2 shows for the price of one!

I'm a double threat tomorrow... with 2 count'em 2 topics on the radio! Don't miss Teen Sexuality and A SECOND segment on suicide.

www.blogtalkradio.com

Please listen and help us stop the stigma attached to mental illness!

If the link doesn't work please google This Needs To Be Said... it'll pop right up!

Thanks for your sympathies... I adore you guys!

For those who inquired

Thursday is the Rosary, Funeral and Mass areFriday. My husband's family is requesting that instead of flowers donations be made to the Cancer Society. Thank you all so much for all of your prayers and messages of support in this dark hour.

Forgive

I won't be blogging much for a while. There's been a death in the family.

We didn't win

either competition this year. It still means alot that everyone waited with us. However if this next month does not show serious sales, I'm afraid we might have to close down.
Thanks to everyone.
That's my side of it,
Angel
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

mini bytes

I just wrote this

Icarus Strain

I was...

Once I was all...

I was exalted, respected, golden

I was...

Once upon a time...

I was triumphant

I was.

I am...

breath and passion …

dreams not yet recognized

I am...

regret and promise...

I am.

I will be...

again upon the mountain top...

this time refusing to look down...

lest I ruin the dreams of those

still climbing...

as I am.

I face...

another journey...

another obstacle...

I am...

I am that obstacle.

That roadblock...

I am.

I was...

the wings, the wind,

the voice of revolution...

I was fire and ferocity

Once upon a time,

I led,

I followed,

I was...

the creator of regret...

I was

the golden boy...

I was.

I am...

the obstruction and hindrance

I am...

the goal and the prize...

I am the path no longer walked

I am...

uniquely

ambiguous.

Two paths, one choice

no decision.

I am.

I will be...

the mediocrity I settle for...

the epic battle I choose...

win or lose...

I will be...

climbing 

or

I will be

 jumping...

and soaring...

all the way to the sun.

I will be.

me.  

So sick again

Unedited pages from next book

It will be Whole Language Textbook for homeschooled children on various levels of learning. We have other surprises in store for you... so stay tuned!

Sorry

I've not been blogging because I'm ill, hubby's ill, kid was ill and a family member is critically ill. So much to handle... his insurance is trying to cut hubby's insulin too. Plus trying to get my benefits as I need a doc ASAP. The public hospital will let you die if its not a gunshot. Also I'm afraid of that side of town. Thinking I have pneumonia again. So sick as of late. Thanks for sticking round when I'm down on my luck though! Very sweet.

In aprox 2 weeks I'll have 24 years sober!!!

That's my side of it,
Angel

Sale ends tomorrow!

Redid my kitchen, mostly done

Had to find a way to mop down the walls for allergens, but their paint was shat... so I had to use paper... Whatdya think?

Hmmmm

It's almost Halloween. After which comes on Nov 16th (drumroll please)
24 years sober!!!!! Also a couple days after that is my birthday! (meh) I've not been on in a bit and I must apologize... taking down the brickstore was a real bummer but more than that we have a terminally ill family member and my husband is not taking that well at all! Who could blame him?

At any rate, I won't be on a lot because I'm getting the books together for next year, Kind of boring stuff for grown-up, but there are soooooo many kids here that are home=schooled now that parents are paying upwards of $120 a text book! Ergo, kids on different levels are sharing just that one... so nobody's learning anything. I'm trying to combat that by writing activity and text books for kids, keep them cheap and give them at least 3 levels for each but in every subject. Hopefully I can make a difference in kid's lives.

Problem is as any kind of teacher here I am sort of gone extinct as History, World Cultures, Civics and Forms of Govt. Just aren't taught here anymore.
We no longer teach grammar, spelling, cursive... it's deplorable! Well I'm doing my best to contribute. I pray it helps!

That's my side of it,
Angel

www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com
www.streetlighthalo.com

BE THERE! FRREEEEEEEEEE!

Free books!

Tomorrow kicks off the last weekend of brick store being open.
I have a zillion give-aways and sales this weekend, then we close until next year I believe. So get there.... Free Christmas stocking with toys is available if you buy a full-price children's book! Also you get a gently-used book free with every purchase this weekend only... in celebration of literacy!
Be there!!!! Last chance this year!

That's my side of it,
Angel
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

PS Special thanks to HEB

AND

a ginormous welcome to our new intern....

Drumroll please!

Rebecca Farrell

Welcome to the Cheshire Team... we're honored!

Very sorry

We must apologize. We have no idea why the printers did not release all our books. Sarah is attempting to rectify it now. If you were looking for something in particular please try again later tonight. Thanks.

Powwow pics!!

Powwow

is today. I am angry and heartbroken. The thief that broke in a while back stole my Medicine Bag and my fetish (stone or silver carving representing my strength and name... my silver wolf) Rev Laughing Bear Jones got me that, so they stole a part of him from me too. I could cry, but I am going to Powwow just the same. You can steal from me... but you'll never break my spirit!

Halloween BOO!

From the new book Gravely Terrible Puns! Get yours today on Amazon... or if you want absolute terror perhaps this is more your speed:

available in print at Lulu or wherever e-books are sold!

Happy Haunting, Ghouls and Boils!

OPEN

The store on Eisenhower will be open today, but closed tomorrow for Powwow!

today's show

www.thisneedstobesaid.com

Show & updates!

I believe the radio show returns tomorrow, barring any tech explosions!
Also we will be open Saturday but Sunday is Powwow!
I  am also working on a series of children's books for next year. each will have a lessons in the back including health, IE how does my ear work etc. I find it terrifying that in this country we don't teach health any more. How will kids be able to ask doctors any informed questions? How silly is that?

That's my side of it,
Angel
www.streetlighthalo.com
www.cheshiregrinpublishing.com

unedited version Snapshots From Home last story

Future Earth

My name is Jenna and I go to Future Earth.... just a fancy name for a tech school for those of us kids who are labeled, “unrehabilatable,” For real my parents sent me here. And for real it bites. The whole staff acts like it's not a reform school because they teach computers, graphic art and web design. The student body is not quite so ignorant. We know we are the throw-aways. And me, probably more than most. That's because my own personal sin.... pregnancy.

I hate my parents right now and I hate this school. My last high school seemed so awesome. I used to attend East Way Middle. Before Seamus was born I never knew how shallow all of my party friends were. I'm standing in the hallway one day and they just snubbed me! I followed them and they informed me that their parents told them they couldn't hang out with me any more. When I asked them why Karyn said it's because I'm a bad influence! Can you even friggin' believe that? She set me up with Thomas! And how am I the bad influence when the whole school knew that she certainly wasn't complaining when she was under half the basket ball team!

I never understood how retarded my parents were either. They sent me here! They threw me away... because the one time I used my birth control pills for actual birth control instead of regulating my periods, they failed. For that... my parents sent me here. “To learn a trade,” they said. What kind of stupid excuse is that any way?

I guess they had no choice. The school wouldn't let me attend dances any more because they thought it was sending the wrong message. I couldn't try out for the cheer-leading squad... for very obvious reasons. And then there was Mr. Jones, my history teacher... he called me “easy” in front of the entire class. For real he did. Then he asked me to stay after... but he was looking at me in such a creepy way that I bolted as soon as the bell rang. For real it happened. Epic perv!

So I go to my first class which is group therapy. They don't call it that. They call it Future Counseling. And they actually think we are so stupid that we don't know the difference. I sit myself in the circle of chairs as far away from the gang-banger and meth head as I can get. I am shifting in the chair as the gang-banger makes dirty innuendos towards me in Spanish. I ignore him. I want to call home and see if Seamus is okay, but I can't because he isn't there. He's at the school daycare.

My parents informed me right away that they weren't raising another child. For real they told me that I got myself into it all alone and I can deal with it the same way. Can you even believe that they said that to me? So I had to put him in the school daycare, but I hate that too. I don't know those people. I don't know if they'll hurt my son. I can never know. And for real I am in tears at the thought.

So of course the idiot teacher calls on me. He wants to know what's on my mind. When I say “a pony tail,” the other kids laugh but his rule is that until I share nobody else can... and if that happens the whole class loses the day's credit. So I open my mouth,

“Before Seamus was born, I didn't have a clue. For real, I thought a prom dress would be a priority. I thought that going to parties and football games was the only thing on earth. Then one day I am listening to my friends asking me about the latest boy band or if their heels match their dress or something so random like that. I didn't fit. All I could think about was how to pay for the diapers and formula for the day. And I know that it's completely arrogant, but for real they seemed so meaningless... I actually felt that I was above them.” I shake my head as the tears come.

The serial-suicide-attempt that's sitting next to me playing with the scars on his wrist says, “No. You weren't above them. You were just real. If I was real, like really real I wouldn't have these scars.”

The gang-banger chimes in, “Hey berto, you plastic or somethin'?”

Suicide Attempt shuts his mouth until the teacher signals that now he must talk. I swear dude, I think this teacher gets a power high from controlling the conversation. When suicide-attempt opens his mouth he says:

Hey guys, I'm Sam and I hear what she's saying completely. See cuz I'm bipolar type 1.and this is a good day because I'm on a manic. When the depression hits.... well. (He shows his wrists) if I was real all the time.... you know like her... instead of in one mind and then the other this shit wouldn't happen. But I can't get right. My parent's church says I can't take medication. It's like some kind of sin. So I learned really early to just not trust God at all.

Any way so I get this like noisy thing in my head and I stop sleeping. I start throwing things because not sleeping really pisses me off. Then I get in a fight, hit somebody or something. Then a few days later I feel really guilty and start understanding that God doesn't trust me either. Then this happens.

“Yeah berto I feel ya!” the gang-banger shouts. “But I got my posse to trust in. My boys! My brothers! The Rojo Diablos we are! Thicker then a mother's love or a father's blood!”

Suddenly the stoner in the corner (because she refuses to sit in a circle) yells, “What the hell is so real about shooting people you don't even know? That ain't brave.”

Gang-banger is on his feet in a minute... “Whatcha know about it Punta?”

“I know I started drinking because of assholes like you. That's what I know! And if your idiot friends would give up anything for you, then how come they ain't in here with you? Looks like they left you... PUNTA!” stoner girl snaps.

Gang-banger tries to charge her and there is a lull in the class as security hauls him off to solitary again. He lives in the dorms here. I'm really glad I don't. Mr. Patterson restores order after a long while and he picks up exactly where we left off as if nothing happened. He points to stoner girl and he says, “Jane you're up. But tomorrow you'll sit in the circle or you can join Juan in isolation.”

Jane stomps in her weak, wobbly way into the circle and slams herself into the plastic chair. Says simply, “Can't talk. I'm jonesin' Can't...” she sniffs loudly and wipes her nose repeatedly.

“That's your choice, but I think the rest of the class might get upset if they don't receive credit today because you're having withdrawals,” Mr. Patterson snaps and a huge moan goes through the room.

“For real?” I snap, “I am six credits away from being outta here!” I am feeling rage now. The girl sniffs loudly and wipes her nose again.

“Jonesin'” she responds and I yell, “Well dammit! Why don't you try jonesin' and talkin at the same time?” A cheer resounds but I am not hearing it. I am ready to snap this hippee-wanna-be in half. I want Seamus out of here and in my arms. I can't think of anything else right now. For real, I am boiling mad!

“Jonesin,' she says and I see her hands shaking. “Yeah man, spiders all over me all the time and I can't get right. It's my fifth detox and I can't get right. In my head...”

Her voice trails off and I am tasting rage now, “What's not right in your head? Besides the fact that it's taken me a month longer to graduate because you won't talk?” She sniffs loudly and wipes her nose but then she says the saddest thing I ever heard. She says:

“I watched it. I saw them. These guys they just drove up and started shooting. And there's my baby brother.... he was two years old. Two... I couldn't do nothin man. Nothin. Tried to hold the blood in with my hands. He said the only word he knew. He said Mama. He died. I couldn't save him. I was supposed to protect him. And now I'm sittin here with you scum, just cuz I'm jonesin.” Her nose starts to bleed and everyone is quiet.

The teacher calls the nurse and we all just wait, nobody says anything. All we hear over and over is “Jonesin jonesin jonesin.” And then we suddenly watch her slump in the chair and fall to the floor. We wait as the ambulance is called. Suicide attempt whispers that she snorted some kind of powdered soap from the janitor's closet before class. We all just sit like stone as the ambulance pulls up outside. The wail of sirens makes it all feel too final.

After the gurney carries her out... the teacher tries to start the class again. He acts as if nothing happened. As if we didn't just watch a girl maybe die. For real he starts the class again just like it was nothing. I want so much to vomit on him. I shit you not!

I am gasping. I am shaking my head. I am screaming at the teacher, “I don't care okay? I don't care about this crap we say next. Some girl maybe just died. Isn't that important?”

Anorexia says, “Jesus said Come with me and let the dead bury their own dead! Let's face it. We are all just corpses. Future earth? What a damn joke! We ain't got no future! We're already dead. Right here,” she points to her heart.

“Horse shit! If you want to be dead then you be dead okay? I got a kid! I am so alive you wouldn't even know if I told you. My social life might be dead, but I got a kid to live for!” I scream. Anorexia replies,”What if you're not? I mean I ain't sayin it to be nasty to you. The world sees us as dead already. Tells us every day how we don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of having a normal life. Face it, we are all damaged goods! My mother tells me so every day!”

Suicide attempt says, “Okay maybe she is... but what if her kid isn't? Huh? What about that? What if the kid still has a chance. And what if we do? What if we still have a chance?”

Anorexia snaps, “The whole world thinks we are garbage! That's why we're in here dumb ass!”

Suicide Attempt smashes his hands across his jeans. He yells,” What if the world is wrong? The whole world thought the earth was flat. Church even said it was. They were wrong then. Why can't they be wrong now? And any way if you want to quote the Bible Gwen, it says in there Greater is He that is in me then he who is in the world! So stop with the Bible verses okay? I hear enough of that shit at home!”

Mr Patterson calls us to order and then he congratulates us on how productive we are today. I wonder how any of this is productive.

“If you know so much Gwen and you are oh so empowered then why the hell are you a skeleton with skin?” asks Suicide Attempt.

“You wish you were this thin!” Anorexia replies, “I'm not even trying to answer you because you're a jackass!”

“No!” I snap, “You wanted the spotlight and for real you got it so tell us Gwen. Tell us what the hell you want to look like that for?”

“You mean too fat?” Anorexia says in a shaky voice, she looks like she will cry, but she continues. I am trying hard to listen but she has said the word, “fat” I don't get it. She is like 70 pounds or something.

“I do it because of my period okay?. I do it because if I binge and purge I sometimes won't have my period. I don't want to. I don't want to grow-up when I'm already so fat. I have my good years as my Mom calls them. I get huge sometimes. Sometimes even over one hundred pounds. But then I hate myself. And when I have a bad year my Mom hates me. I want to be a model... in France and have my picture took on the Eiffel Tower. That's how it all started... beauty pageants. I wanted to enter them all but I would look in the mirror and see how obese I was. I couldn't handle it. So I went on the web and found this site with lots of great tips. And so I started losing weight.”

“When did you decide you never wanted to stop losing weight? Because you look really gross that thin,” says the boy on the opposite side of the circle. This guy has been so quiet I never noticed him before. I wonder if he's new and if he just materialized there.

“Matt, it's you're turn,” says Mr. Patterson and the whole class turns to this kid that for real appeared from nowhere.

“Yeah I'm Matt. I got nothin to say really. I'm just observing,” he smiles and shrinks back into his chair.

“Everybody welcome Matt, because if he doesn't tell his story... I will. Do you prefer that Matt?” asks Mr. Patterson, and I notice that for real he looks a lot older then he did when class started.

“Hi. I'm Matt and I'm a bonafied registered sex offender. Thanks Mr. Patterson. I feel much better,” Matt says as all the kids start trying to play musical chairs just to avoid him.

'You sick bastard!” proclaims Suicide Attempt. And everyone just stares at him. My skin is crawling now too, because gross images are flashing through my mind of Matt chasing little boys. For real I want to puke.

“Thanks Mr. Patterson. I feel much better I think I'm cured now! Do you see the way they're looking at me? Like I'm some sick freak?”

“Hello,” yells Anorexia, “You are!”

“I am not!” Matt is screaming. “I just sexted my girlfriend and since we're both underage that counts as child porn! Do you know my mother turned me in so I would have to go to counseling because she thinks I'm a deviant. Really? Just cuz I wanted to see some hottie's boobs!”

Suicide Attempt moves and sits next to him. He puts his arm around him and confides in us all, “Dude boobs are nice! I like them big. You?”

“No I like them in the middle.”

I am angry but the whole class is laughing. “We can't talk about boobs in here!” I instruct.

“Why not? It's more fun then all the crap we were talking about before!” Suicide Attempt says. As I nod all the kids laugh. Then God is very merciful to me and the bell rings.

As I walk to web design I pass the daycare. You aren't allowed to go in until your classes are done and each teacher signs your paper to prove it. For real they are that strict! The cool thing about the nursery is... the walls are glass. I can see Seamus is being given a bottle by the only lady in there that I trust. She reminds me of the mom I wish I had. I like her because she looks just like the lady on the pancake commercials... only dressed nice. She always wears a suit. I like the nursery lady but at the same time I hate her a little, because she gets to feed Seamus now and I don't. At least it's her doing it and not the one who reminds me of a meth head. I wave at my son but he is sleeping. I wish I was sleeping too. Ever since he was born... I just don't sleep.

He cries because he's hungry. He cries because he's wet. I have to go out at three in the morning sometimes to get him diapers IF there happens to be enough spare change in the couch. Otherwise, I just have to put a towel on him. Seems like I'm always tired, always hungry and always awake now. After school I work. That's the only time that my Mom will watch him. As much as she hates kids I can't even believe she had me. She says that all of this is tough love. For real I think that tough love is another word for abandonment.

In the end though I have him. Seamus is cool even if he cries too much. I think about that for a while.

I think of my last class too. I think of Matt and I know he has to live x-amount of miles from a school for the rest of his life. I think of Suicide Attempt and his bracelets of scars. I think that he is going to have to deal with that forever. I think of gang-banger so lonely and desperate that he would willingly become a killer... just to feel loved. I think of Stoner and I know some how that she won't make it through the night. And for real... at least I'm breathing. Then I think of Anorexia and wonder if she was right?

Is there no future for us? Are we all dead where we stand? And then I think... no. Because you know what? I feel for every one of them. For real I want to help them all out of their misery. I feel like by telling me what they went through they are trying to create their own Future Earth. And they are trying to help me too I think. Because they bothered to tell, because they bothered to remind me that they all feel disposable sometimes too.

So then I think, maybe everyone feels that way. Like maybe everyone goes through everything. I can tell I felt just as lost when I got pregnant as Suicide Attempt feels now. I felt just as unloved as gang-banger when my parents threw me out. I felt just as hopeless as they did... as they all did. I just felt it in a different situation. But for real I still felt it.

So then it just pops in my head... loneliness, isolation, hopelessness and feelings of being misunderstood, isn't just my problem. That's everyone's problem. Isn't it? And if that's true then every one of us has a fighting chance. I think that every single one of us does have a future, somewhere here on earth.

Internet off

until we switch over

Techno Blog

A World On Technology...

The typo in my title is purposely done. I have a huge bone to pick with the auto-correct on my PC. I try writing things to my editor, striking moving stories... about let's say a girl trying marijuana for the first time. My auto-check has no reading or reasoning capability what-so-ever and as a result my sentences in my story ends up with words that are substituted with the auto-check's best guest. Now my sentence turns into something like, “So I smoked a jaguar and herded off to school.” Further, knowing full-well that I do my best proof-reading after I send an e-mail I am quite convinced my editor thinks that I am the kind of idiot so severely damaged that I spend all of my free time sitting in the corner drooling on myself and poking myself in the eye repeatedly.

Another thing I wish to address is the fact that my wi-fi box only seems to have a melt-down when I am in the middle of an important discussion or a hugely owed apology.... leaving potentially life-long friends thinking, “Dude! She's not only a snob, she's creepy. Last week she invited me to go out for a cup of coffins.”

Technology for all of the luxury it affords becomes a problem for me and has my whole life. I recall my Pappaw fussing at me many years ago with, “When I was your age we had to walk across the room to change the channel.” Okay that being said I spend most of the time I could use being productive walking from one end of my house to the other randomly trashing and frantically pulling off couch cushions looking for the remotes.

Now we come to the microwave oven, something that in my daily life I usually can't live without. But of course on nights when I throw a huge dinner party it doesn't fully heat things. Admittedly it has never heated things evenly. But to pull out an important side dish that is singed to the point of being nuclear waste on the edges yet frozen in the middle just tends to spoil my party-girl rep! I am epically proud also when my guest are leaving and the “fare-well receiving line” compliments me with things such as, “Wow Angel everything was great! I especially liked the french-cut green bean popsicles!”

A very useful thing these days is the gated community gate opener. What those are are controllers for those little wooden rail-road crossing gate thingys that drop down preventing you from entering a neighborhood until you've either pressed the big, red button on your gate-controller or punched your gate-code into some digital system thus lifting the gate and letting you through. I can see how this is useful in many ways. Some criminal evading police in a high-speed chase will have to mind his manners and rather then crash through a colorful piece of wood stop to punch in a secret code! The most utilized tools it provides is that when your remote battery dies the people stuck in traffic behind you get the golden opportunity to practice their road-rage skills and figure out what their horn sounds like. If you have an overly complicated code that is too long to remember, that just amplifies the fun! This leaves you with the lovely choice of picking up an old plastic phone and randomly dialing neighbor after neighbor to ask them to let you in... and each will remind you what crystal punch bowl, designer dress or lawn-mower you forgot to return the week before. So yes, incredibly helpful!!! Thanks gate-controller! Now I can run from the lynch mob behind me resting comfortably in the knowledge that I forgot to send the check to the office for my rent before I died!

That's my side of it,

Angel 

Sorry

had to close today, meds aren't working at all. Next week we may go to powwow Sunday. I'm sad to miss my little store but I can't even move today.

Spooky Haunted House I made

made for our store. Come and see it, let the kids play for a while and browse our awesome books!

We also are putting up our Christmas display, this being the holiday weekend. Come buy a stocking, fill it and add a book. Kids'll love you for it.

See you there

Eisenhauer Market

3903 Eisenhauer Rd

San Antonio, TX 78218

Radio Show

I believe my radio show is on tomorrow. It was not aired last week due to tech difficulties.

Cry of the Mock Turtle excerpt

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