Escaping an Abusive Marriage (How to)
First a resource:
To all of you abused spouses out there,
don't lose hope. It can be done. I know I've done it. But leaving an
abusive marriage is usually not an over-night thing. Be prepared for
this to take weeks or even months.
The first rule of escaping an abusive
marriage is the same as the first rule of business. Failing to plan
AND planning to fail are basically synonyms.
I understand what it is to resent it
when people say, “Well why don't you just leave?” That is really
easy to say. Is that person going to put a meal on your table? Is
that person going to take your kids to the pediatrician without him
knowing? Is that person going to clothe you? Shelter you? Care for
your infirmaties? No. So basically it just feels like a huge cop-out.
I know. I KNOW how over-whelming
leaving is. I know the fear that he has taken so much of you away
that you are afraid that he has erased just enough of you that you
will never be able to leave. Yes I understand completely. So the
second rule is this... if you think you can or you think you can't
you're probably right. Attitude plays a huge role.
I don't care much for Whoopie
Goldberg yet she is like an idol. It is not from her career that she
derived that position in my life. It was from an interview I saw, she
said (about her career) “I never worried what I had to do. I only
asked myself what I could get done today.” That is hugely
important. Don't get over-whelmed. It doesn't take a miracle. It
takes baby steps and careful planning.
The first thing you will need is the
cheapest disposable phone you can find. Put in this phone only one
number. That phone number should be one and only one contact. It
needs to be someone you trust and preferably someone he doesn't know.
Keep it turned off and the best hiding place is your bag of kotex as
he is very unlikely to look there. This phone is going to be your
best resource soon.
WARNING: Do not rely on shelters or
govt. programs to support you. Many take time to get that you don't
have. Some require a legal divorce finalization before you can
receive them. Also these leave a paper trail that is easy to trace.
You are going to need a safe hiding place for a while. A little known
fact is also shelters for domestic violence usually need police and
hospital reports before they will take you, which most women won't
have because seeking help will set him off again. BUT women's
shelters are still a very viable tool! They have all kinds of
resources they can make available to you anyway. Some can put you on
a waiting list for an asset. Where I was they had had a farm... you
did not need police reports for but there was a 3 month wait. When he
is at work use your track phone to call shelters to find these
resources. Do not use your regular cell as this leaves a trail even
if it is pay as you go with no contract.
So if there are not govt. programs you
can rely on financially how do you sustain a living? Do you have
kids? Some people that are hiring nannies will allow your kids to
live with you and rather then pay you will give you room and board.
At least that's a roof. Also as a nanny your taxes are paid by you
which means no paper trail until the end of the year. This gives you
a year to get back on your feet, learn a trade or whatever.
Also if you have a name on a joint
savings account, on the day that you leave (and not before) visit the
bank. Have not just your debit card, carry also your ID and wedding
certificate. Instead of walking straight up to the teller, sign your
name and sit down as if you are looking to refinance. This is very
important... WAIT for a female representative. You have lived years
in a relationship that proved how over-powering men can be. Now it is
time for you to understand the strength of women. Other women will
become your biggest asset. (Some of them are abused too remember.)
Tell her discreetly of your situation. She will let you know how much
you can withdrawal and probably not call your husband until the next
business day. However this money is not a cushion. It will run out
quickly so it is time to try to learn to live again.
It is important not to rely on friends
that drink a lot. Why? Loose lips sink ships! Alcohol loosens the
mouth and allows too many confessions for you to be safe with. Also
do not rely on an extra-marital affair to “rescue you.” No one is
going to rescue you. It is time to do the hard thing as you may get
to his house.... and he may decide you didn't look as pretty now as
you did when there was no danger of commitment.
Well you are probably asking yourself,
how do we pack without him noticing? Gradually. What we did was to
thin out the wardrobe of things we didn't wear often. These clothes
went into a garbage bag. We said something like, “She wants an
allowance. So I told her taking out the garbage would be her
responsibility.” He bought this without question. So the garbage
bag with the white tie went in the dumpster. The garbage bag with the
yellow tie went to the neighbor who agreed to keep our things until a
friend with an unutilized garage could drive over and pick them up.
By her storing things in her garage I did not pay for storage... and
again, no paper trail that he could trace.
Now you receive every day important
documents that you can not do without such as school notifications,
bills ongoing child support checks from previous marriage etc. How do
you get these by post without him receiving notification of where you
just went? EASY.... explain to the post office official you need a
change of address and explain your situation... there's a form. Best
to go outside your neighborhood post to do this. Your neighbors let
your secret out unknowingly with simple gossip. IE “Did you see
Mary filling out change of address? Are they moving?” The best
advocate you will ever receive is the following rule, “Do not
whisper in private what you don't want shouted from rooftops.”
Right now secrecy is your best friend. The more people who know, the
more likely he will find out.
When do we make this flight to freedom?
That depends on him actually, more then you would think. My ex spent
a private vacation every year at the races. We spent those 2 weeks
getting boxes too large to smuggle out in clear view.... telling
neighbors it was donations for one of our charities. We knew when he
came home it would be his employer's longest day of the year. We
choose that day to flee, keeping calm and keeping the cellphone on to
answer his calls. Once we got to where we were going, that phone went
in the trash and my tracphone came out of its hiding place.
Remember the less people you tell the
likelier your secret remains a secret. I had my most trusted contact
in my tracphone call worried friends and family 2 days after my
departure and inform them that “Yes I was all right. But no I would
not be calling and nobody knew where I was.. Any messages came
through my sponsor and were relayed that way.”
A lovely thing my friend did for me was
to organize other abused women in the community for me to talk to.
One woman had a good job but times were hard. She pretended a pay-cut
to keep a job at a failing company and at least keep some money
coming in. Her husband did hit her that night but the story was
believable so he let it go. She was able to store up enough money in
a separate account that then she was able to flee with her kids.
If you are penniless and need to leave
the state immediately some bus lines and train stations are
sympathetic enough to lend you one-way tickets with the understanding
that when you get to the refuge on the other side someone you know
will pay the ticket, whether you have a credit card or not. In AA I
hear there is always a couch available. Also some companies will hire
an abused woman seeking refuge and food because it looks pretty good
on that employer.
If he has locked up your social
security card from you and your birth certificate you can always
apply for another. Write snail mail (info that he can hack from your
email is now a no no) to the hospital where you were born leaving
them your new address.
If you have important documents that
you need to get out and can not smuggle, hide them in plain sight.
Buy a new wastepaper basket, crumple them up, buy some potato chips,
empty the bag and throw them on top with a few emptied and thoroughly
dried water-bottles. Most men won't bother to go through the trash
cans.
In the coming weeks food is still
important although straying from a hiding place might not be an
option. As you shop in the coming moths before your departure buy dry
goods, can goods, dry milk etc. Here and there a few small items that
won't be noticed. If you are unable to smuggle these out or hide them
in an abandoned suitcase, then the solution is simple... church is
having a food drive. Place them in a box to be moved by the mailbox
tomorrow. Most men won't even ask.
There are many grants and very short
school times out there for degrees if you need one. Good Will
industries have what is called, “Good Careers Academy.” They
might be a resource you may want to look into. If this is not an
option for you, try calling your local 3 digit help line... usually
211.
If you need to leave this very second
my advice is don't dawdle. Call the police, ask for protection and
get out now. Otherwise you are teaching him it's okay to treat you
that way. And believe me your children ARE learning that too.
One more rule my Medicine Man taught me
that will go a very long way... leap and the net will be there. Faith
goes a long way and will last much longer and stronger then any other
asset you've got. Give yourself a chance. You DO deserve it.
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