The
writer's guide to being published.
Attention:
Follow all instructions to the letter.
Writing:
1.
Come up with half an idea that might make a nice book.
2.
Type up your story.
3.
Answer the phone when Mom calls and even though she's interrupting, …
be nice.
4.
Go through all the grammar books you just bought. Open one and
realize you flunked this crap for a reason.
5.
Take a migraine pill. It'll save time.
Proofing
1.
Reread the crap that your auto-correct made up as you went along.
2.
Slap yourself repeatedly as you realize that the auto-correct's novel
was far more interesting a story than yours was.
3.
Go back and try to fix everything the auto-correct changed.
4.
Reread and see that everything you changed the auto-correct changed
back.
5.
When Mom calls ignore the phone. It's preferable to cussing out Mom.
6.
Reread with corrections and realize the auto-correct has entirely
changed the meaning into something so avaunt-guard and prolific that
you could never write that well.
7.
Cuss under your breathe safe in the knowledge that your PC is in fact
mocking you.
8.
Bang your head against the wall repeatedly and with deliberate
movements.
Submitting:
1.
Spend hours researching the correct publishing houses.
2
Spend long weeks polishing your query letter to perfection and
mailing them lovingly off with a SASE.
3.
When Mom calls answer the phone and thank her for the beautiful,
scenic calender she sent to you so that you can lovingly mark each
week that you await a response from publishers.
4.
Mark the weeks that you are wasting waiting for the mailman every day
like a prisoner on crack... Notice how the smug bastard always has
that smirk.
5.
Receive and excitedly open your first response. Laugh lightly to
yourself as you view your first rejection slip.
6.
Promise yourself that you will not take it personally, and promise
Mom that you will frame it so that she can hang it in the Smithsonian
when you collect your first Pulitzer.
7.
Return to waiting by the mailbox. Become aggravated when the mailman
is late and notice that Mom calls at the same time every day.
8.
Collect all your rejection slips and realize that Mom and the mailman
are plotting and obviously have been for some time.
.
9. Collect all bundles of rejection sheets and tie them together with
a string.
10.
Place them in the region of your hair and set them on fire.
11.
Run around in circles screaming obscenities. Obviously the publishing
houses are in on it too!
Signing
and royalties
1.
Read and sign your contract.
2.
Proudly call Mom and beg forgiveness.
3.
Over-spend on something nice for Mom safe in the knowledge that the
royalties check will offset the expense.
4.
Buy a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows. Purchase a
turtle-neck and pipe.
5.
Sit down and breath in all the glory.
6.
When you get your royalties check realize that $2 will not cover the
expensive gourmet coffee-maker you bought Mom.
7.
Call and humbly ask for the coffee-maker back.
8.
As you hang up the phone convince yourself that Mom didn't need the
coffee-maker.
9.
Tell yourself every day that Mom never drank coffee in the first
place.
Book
promoting:
1.
If you're still here you might want to look into a medically
necessary lobotomy.
That's
my side of it,
Angel
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