We are going soon to buy an artificial Christmas tree that lights up by itself. I want the huge and bushy one that looks like a real tree. You know the kind.... the one you take a good four hours to assemble and then ask your family, “Dude do you think these screws were important?” You know the kind that you stuff back in the too tiny box and then stand around and debate what to do with the other 500 branches that won't fit. You know... the kind with all the instructions written in German. You know that kind? That's what I want!

I want traditional ornaments too! Comprende? Those hugely expensive and over priced ornaments and decorations that you spend another four hours of your life getting on there just right... and then the dog knocks the whole #$%^ thing over? Yes! A tree all decorated in shiny glassy ornament that you deliberately choose in Hanukkah colors simply to confuse your guests! I want that!!!!

I want a traditional Christmas... you know the kind? The kind where you have enough lights in your yard to make a runway for a lear jet? The kind where you buy Christmas lights for the roof and then realize you have to go back to the #@$% Walmart to buy a ladder? You know the kind of Christmas when you go to put up the lights and after 20 attempts and 5 spills off the wobbly Walmart ladder you realize the outside outlet didn't work? The kind where by July your lights are still up because hey... Christmas will get back here eventually! That's the kind of Christmas I want.

Plus I want about a zillion gifts for the grandbaby. You understand me? I want to fist fight other people for toys that he will out grow in 2 months. You see? Those kinds of presents... the kind you sit up all night trying to assemble only to find that it needs batteries and has a million stickers that still need to be put on? Yeah man tradition! There's nothing in the world that compares to the work you put in and the money you spend just to see the grandkids playing with the boxes! I NEED that!

I want that gorgeous feeling on Christmas morn when my kid opens her 58 presents and then utters the 3 words that change every mother's life. Those three sacred words... “Is that ALL?”

I want to wade for days through bags of discarded wrapping paper. And wonder why it ever occurred to Nanna to crochet me an orange and baby puke green bikini. I want to cook and bake for weeks on end only to have my relatives criticize every last homemade cookie and candy! I want that so much!

I also want every detail because I want a train under my tree for the kids. I want that certain one. I want that highly over-priced, last one in stock have to put it on lay-away or sell the kid in order to afford it. You know the one I'm talking about? I want the one that takes almost 3 hours to assemble. There is not one moment like the Chiristmasy moment when you find out it only runs backwards! That's a real Christmas.

And the very best part? When at the end of the night you sit quiet, engorged and you look at that tree. And you think about when you had nothing. When you were practically homeless and just starting a family together. When you lived in the slums and your first Christmas tree together looked more like a deformed version of the burning bush with very few decorations. And you remember the dollar store slices of ham that had to serve as the Christmas feast. You remember those dollar store presents that you could barely afford and how very much they meant... especially when he looked at you softly and said, “Everything's perfect.” When you finally remember that you went through all of this to celebrate the story of the struggle, and keep that fire alive in your heart because God how you love this little family. And then you softly say, “Happy Birthday God.” I really, REALLY want that!

That's my side of it,